August 22, 2013

The Back Story

For those who don't know me, my name is Maryn Ellery.  

For 17 years I have battled depression.  At my best, you would never know there was anything wrong with me.  I smile on cue, go with the motions and make sure no one suspects anything.  At my worst, I fight thoughts of suicide and an addiction to self mutilation.  It's always been a private struggle… until now. 

This year my depression spiraled out of control. I drank a lot. I mean the type of drinking where you think you look badass but really you are running across interstates, throwing up on people and falling on your face.  I also started using drugs.  I'll never admit to most people the full extent of it, but let's just say I spent more time high than I spent sober.

I was miserable. And that misery led to one thing…wanting to kill myself. 

Now some of you are probably thinking, "attention ploy."  I wish.  There's nothing scarier than an innate desire to end your own life. If you've never experienced that feeling, I hope that you never do.  And if you have or are experiencing it, you aren't alone.  They say suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope.  That's where I've been for the past 4 months--teetering on a very slim edge. 

But In the depths of my suicidal ideation, this idea came out.  

I offered a friend a bargain, I would create a list of 25 things that I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try.  I would take a chance and take some risks.  If at the end of the list I still wanted to die, she had to stop trying to fight for me to stick around.  She had to let me go.

Again, I know what you're probably thinking.  If my friend seriously agreed to this bargain then she's a dick.  Well, her reputation is in luck because she shot that shit down instantly.  But I didn't. I rationalize it like this: since I wanted to die, why not do everything I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try?  Worst case scenario, I complete the list and still want to die.  But…what if somewhere in the process I finally feel alive?  I'm not talking about being completely careless.  I'm talking about a bucket list.  A chance to step out on a limb and take some risks. 

So there you have it.  I call it The Ellery Project. It's my attempt to save my life. A bucket list of 25 tasks.  At the urging of a friend, my progress will be updated onto this blog.

Buckle up.  Shit is about to get real.

Disclaimer: I'm officially medicated aka the suicidal ideation has, for the most part, subsided. Some ideas, however, are too awesome to waste. 

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