February 4, 2014

Silly Little Things

It's been a while.  Has my Bucket List stopped?  Hardly.  The journey of finding joy is honestly a weird one.  I can't describe it.  Today it looked like this:

Silly, right?  A simple act though can make all the difference sometimes.  Like a pack of Jolly Ranchers.  Or a random act of kindness to a stranger.  My brain sometimes is such a cesspool of negativity that I find myself searching for ways to escape it.  A lot of times it's sleep.  Other times, it's this:

More silly stuff.  With my sister.  See, my good days may out-number my bad days, but there are still bad days that I face.  Sometimes I sit in silence and wait it out.  Other times my sister drags me out.  But either way, no matter how you look at it, I keep fighting.  And that's what this journey is all about, right?

September 8, 2013

5. Vincent Van Hoe

I love art.  I freaking HATE painting.  Between mixing paints, blending colors and just overall the act of painting...no thanks. Or more honestly, I suck at it. No one likes doing things they are bad at.  Let's be honest, if you could do something you are awesome at, or sit and take the time to do something you struggle with only to come out with something that looks like crap, which would you choose?

But here you have it.  A bucket list which includes one of my least favorite acts: painting.

Shit may suck BUT either way, checked off my bucket list. 

September 4, 2013

4. Rip What?

Every time I say the name, people get confused.  But first, let me start by saying that anyone who really knows me, knows that I am the most coordination challenged individual on the Earth.  Some people trip over things, while I trip over the air.  It's with that knowledge that my family thinks I am crazy for even daring to try such a thing.

It's called a Ripstik.  I was first introduced to it by two cool ladies and I had no interest in trying it.  Until now.  For anyone unfamiliar, imagine a skateboard on crack. But alas, I have mastered this shit.

Ripstik officially checked off the bucket list!

August 30, 2013

3. Ready. Set. Go.

Alright, so I'm sure a lot of people would expect a bucket list to be all crazy shenanigans and such BUT, this bucket list is about getting in touch with myself and honestly, just learning to smile again.

On Wednesday, August 28th, I smiled BIG.

It may seem silly, but i've never driven a go kart.  Sure, I've played Mario Kart but clearly that is not the same.  This was amazing.  The air in my face and whipping around corners… I had a BLAST.  

Sometimes you just have to cut loose and get in touch with your inner 5th grader.  Go kart racing has officially been checked off the list. 

*Shout out to my racing buddy Ms Sandlin! Kicked my butt!

August 26, 2013

2. Hey Hey Miss DJ

If you know me then you know I LOVE music.  Give me a sick beat and dope lyrics, I transcend into another world.  Catharsis. Music is free therapy.

So why not delve deeper into it?  Why not share my love for music with others?  Although I hate being even remotely near the center of attention, I've decided to step forward. I'm learning to dj.  I want to help people experience music the way I do.  I want to make people get hype.  I want to help inspire them to let loose and just feel the rhythm and dance. It will take some serious time and dedication but Wednesday, August 21st, I feel in love with music on a whole new level.


I can't check this off the bucket list yet, because it will be a process. So stay tuned.  

*props to my baby bro, Kemet aka The Phantom* for letting me shadow him on his dj gigs to learn the ropes! 

August 22, 2013

1. Goodbye Hair

I've always had longer hair.  My mom never wanted us to cut it beyond a certain length and even as an adult, I stuck to that.  The few times I cut my hair shorter than that, I did so with moderation, never going too incredibly short.  That was until last Thursday, August 15th. 


It takes confidence to rock short hair. There's nothing to hid behind anymore.  I feel liberated like you wouldn't believe.

Check 1 off the bucket list. 

*Props to my amazing sister, Kensie. She chopped my hairs for me.

The Back Story

For those who don't know me, my name is Maryn Ellery.  

For 17 years I have battled depression.  At my best, you would never know there was anything wrong with me.  I smile on cue, go with the motions and make sure no one suspects anything.  At my worst, I fight thoughts of suicide and an addiction to self mutilation.  It's always been a private struggle… until now. 

This year my depression spiraled out of control. I drank a lot. I mean the type of drinking where you think you look badass but really you are running across interstates, throwing up on people and falling on your face.  I also started using drugs.  I'll never admit to most people the full extent of it, but let's just say I spent more time high than I spent sober.

I was miserable. And that misery led to one thing…wanting to kill myself. 

Now some of you are probably thinking, "attention ploy."  I wish.  There's nothing scarier than an innate desire to end your own life. If you've never experienced that feeling, I hope that you never do.  And if you have or are experiencing it, you aren't alone.  They say suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope.  That's where I've been for the past 4 months--teetering on a very slim edge. 

But In the depths of my suicidal ideation, this idea came out.  

I offered a friend a bargain, I would create a list of 25 things that I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try.  I would take a chance and take some risks.  If at the end of the list I still wanted to die, she had to stop trying to fight for me to stick around.  She had to let me go.

Again, I know what you're probably thinking.  If my friend seriously agreed to this bargain then she's a dick.  Well, her reputation is in luck because she shot that shit down instantly.  But I didn't. I rationalize it like this: since I wanted to die, why not do everything I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try?  Worst case scenario, I complete the list and still want to die.  But…what if somewhere in the process I finally feel alive?  I'm not talking about being completely careless.  I'm talking about a bucket list.  A chance to step out on a limb and take some risks. 

So there you have it.  I call it The Ellery Project. It's my attempt to save my life. A bucket list of 25 tasks.  At the urging of a friend, my progress will be updated onto this blog.

Buckle up.  Shit is about to get real.

Disclaimer: I'm officially medicated aka the suicidal ideation has, for the most part, subsided. Some ideas, however, are too awesome to waste.